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The other day I grated bar soap in an attempt to make liquid soap.

I added it to some boiling water and stirred it until it dissolved.

I stirred in two tablespoons of glycerin. Then I let it sit overnight. Tick tock, tick tock…

The next morning, before I checked the experiment had worked I went to make a coffee.

But who should be waiting for me?

It was the Angry Onion, of course.

‘I drank all your soap,’ he smirked in his weaselly voice. ‘What are you going to do about it?’

So, I called out to the only one who I knew would help.

‘Darren, where are you? I need you now!’

‘Here I am…oh, it’s that grumpy onion,’ said my woolly mammoth friend. ‘He’s drank the liquid soap I was going to have for my shower.’

Darren exhaled a hurricane strength blast from his trunk and that onion went straight through the wall.

How unfortunate this all was.

Still, we consoled ourselves with a nice slice of jam sponge as we waited for a builder to repair the wall.

Moral of the story: Make sure there are no root vegetables and extinct prehistoric animals in your home before you make your own cleansing products.